Belonging is a concept that is more than just intellectual understanding. Most often belonging is something we know intuitively, something we sense. It includes additional attributes such as acceptance and inclusion as when a person feels they are a part of a group.
One popular notice about belonging revolves around an individual “fitting in”. There is a tension though between the different expectations of an individual and of a group’s understanding of what is acceptable and assumed. Sometimes the expectations of the group are formal “rules” or codes of conduct. In other situations, these are not decisions made by official consensus but result from individuals exerting their power into the systems of belief shaping the group’s culture.
May Not Agree with Every Group Norm
Hopefully, we have all felt that we belonged to a group. Sometimes, we may not completely align ourselves with the groups’ norms, but still feel a sense that we belong. For instance, I may belong to a church, but don’t completely agree with everyone or every action that the church does. Personally, I change the gendered words in hymns when I sing in worship because I don’t believe that God is male, even though the pronouns “he” and “him” are most often used in reference to the Creator. I can work around that theological friction and still belong to the church.
But there are other churches where the differences between their values and mine are so far apart, that I know I cannot belong with them. In a recent conversation with a female colleague who serves in a setting in the deep south, she shared how lonely it is to be the only clergy woman in most spaces. It is difficult to feel called to ministry only to have the individual with whom she is offering her pastoral care reject her because they only value the ministry of men. She cannot bring her whole self into those conversations and has to navigate not taking comments about women clergy personally.
Belonging as a Spiritual Practice
Brené Brown suggests that belonging is a spiritual practice rooted in our understanding that we are connected to something larger than ourselves. Whether we call that larger something, God or Creator, Allah or Yahweh, Spirit or Life or Love, to belong is to recognize that we are created to be unique individuals who live in the world together. A world which was also created by this sacred being. And once we know that we can be who we are created to be and stand in our own set of values and expectations, only then can we fully be connected and accepted by those around us.
In those situations when we let go of our own sense of self in order to align with external expectations, we are stepping further away from the sacred. Brown suggests that when we negotiate our own sense of worth with others’ ideas of who we are and should be, we move further away from who we are called to be. And contrary to popular thinking, we actually do not belong.
Not Just for Teenage Years
This belonging is not just a lesson with which we must wrestle in our teenager years—although I suspect that most of us can think of examples from that time in our lives when we were trying to figure out who we were and how to fit in. Things related to our appearance, clothes and hair, and to our likes and dislikes, music and pop culture, become the bars of acceptance. We make choices attempting to fit in at the same time trying to figure out who we are. The reality is that this is a lesson that we confront through our whole lives.
When we first moved to our first church in Kentucky, we were reminded frequently in the first years that we didn’t completely belong as evidenced by our “northern” accents. As our relationships deepened, that difference became less and less important.
Twenty-five years ago, my youngest shared that she chose not to participate in a conversation with her peers at her table in first grade because she realized that I was much older than the moms of her classmates. She sensed that my age may have been something that separated me, and her, from belonging with that group.
When we use external signals, like gender or accents or age or ability, as the lines of who belongs and who doesn’t, we jeopardize the possibility that that “other” person may provide us with a connection to the sacred. That “other” person may offer us insight that we have not yet considered. And we might have something to offer them in return, if only we allow each other to be our authentic selves.
Since we age throughout our lives, which means that we live in a constant state of change, we have the opportunity to continue to grow in our awareness of who we are. I admire those individuals who experience 7, 8 and 9 decades of life who say that they are more fully themselves than ever before. They experience a sense of freedom from the expectations and constraints from outside forces. They are less likely to adhere to “group think” and be themselves who God creates them to be.
And at the same time, I have witnessed older adults in those same later decades who perpetuate the “in” group and “out” group barriers that inhibit connection with others. Some observe this behavior and say that those “bullies” are behaving just like kids in jr. high. There is a similarity in our teens and in later life when the changes around us and within our very bodies makes us feel as if life is out of control. One unhealthy way to respond to the loss of a sense of control is to try to take charge by imposing exclusionary behaviors and attitudes. It is assumed that there is power in defining who is in and who is not. The problem is this only leads to further separation and tears at the fabric of community.
Standing with the Courage to be Fully Ourselves
Contrary to our adolescent beliefs we don’t belong to groups. We need to belong to that which is greater than any sum of us and to stand with the courage to be fully ourselves. Sometimes that means stepping away from the values and expectations of others. But hopefully that also allows us to find those spaces where we can fully stand as ourselves where we don’t have to compromise who we are and instead, fully embrace our gifts and presence in the world.
In the United Church of Christ there is a saying, “No matter who you are or where you’ve been, you are welcome here”. I would adapt this: No matter who you are, where you’ve been or how long you have been on the journey, you are invited to belong here-- to be yourself, a beautiful being, created and blessed to live your life and share with those who accompany us in this time and place.
For Reflection (either individually or with a group)
Read the blog. Read it a second time, maybe reading it aloud or asking someone else to read it aloud so you can hear it with different intonation and emphases. Invite the Divine to open your heart to allow the light of new understanding to pierce the shadows of embedded assumptions, stereotypes, and ways of thinking so that you may live more abundantly. Then spend some time with the following questions together with anything or anyone who helps you reflect more deeply.
- When have you felt the most deeply that you belonged to something? When? How did it feel?
- When have you felt “unbelonged” by a group? What feelings did it bring up?
- What do you need in order to have greater courage to be more fully yourself-- where you don’t have to compromise who we are and instead, fully embrace your gifts and your presence in the world?
Download a pdf including the Reflection Questions to share and discuss with friends, family, or members of your faith community small group.
