At various points in my life, I have felt that I didn’t belong. Usually these were times following transitions of moving to a new place. And the feeling of not belonging is often related to the feeling that the people around me saw me as someone or something that I was not. Whether they assigned preconceived notions about my person or lumped me into a group that was not to the acceptable standards of the thinking of their peers, the feeling of not belonging is never pleasant.
For reasons as fundamental as safety and survival, the positive feelings that we get when we “belong” have been a part of the human experience since the beginning of time. Historically, we know that humans have lived in families, clans, tribes, and communities because our survival of the natural elements has demanded this of us. Life is better together! Belonging is not just about feeling good, it is the difference between surviving and thriving. Thanks to recent advances in studies of the brain, we know that we are “hard wired” for connection, a significant part of belonging. Having a sense of belonging affects our immune system. Some even suggest that it is as important as food, shelter, and physical safety.
There are multiple factors that can contribute to our sense of belonging. It is more than just being where everyone knows your name. Our physical environment, cultural values, connections and ability to participate in the larger community are important to belonging. When we don’t fit-in or feel that we belong, we feel less safe. We feel less likely to be fully ourselves. And we are more likely to withdraw or feel lonely.
I often hear people talking about decisions in later life based on things like finances, location to relatives (grandkids!), climate, and physical location/amenities. What if we were to consider the possibility of what we need to feel belonging as being as important as the dimensions listed above?
When we think about belonging as a criteria to future decisions, we need to begin by reflecting on who we are now and anticipate how our lives will change. Most of the time, the other dimensions of needing to find a place to live in the midst of a health crisis become the predominant decisive factors. Elinor was a learner who was also very creative and had the ability to form community. So, when she grew bored in the assisted living community near her former home, she decided to learn to paint. She hadn’t had the luxury of choosing an AL community that offered this kind of programming. So, thinking like her grandchildren, she found plenty of teachers on YouTube videos. She would choose a teacher and project. She would have friends “on the outside” gather and bring her the supplies. And then she would invite one or two other residents to her room at an appointed time. With her tablet propped up on her former kitchen table now up against the wall in her one-room abode, they would create paintings together. Through the use of her gifts of curiosity and building community, she found ways to not only feel that she belonged in that place, but that others would also be welcome to belong around her table.
Another aspect of belonging has to do with the ability to be ourselves. My grandmother-in-law’s 4-day visit to our first home was lengthened thanks to a fall in our sparsely furnished living room. This resulted in hip surgery and rehab for 8 weeks. She struggled to feel like she belonged. The cultural niceties offered by the staff in the rehab community in Kentucky calling her “Honey” and “Sweety” were enough to grate on her nerves every day. Although she had lived in the south for several years as a much younger adult in the 1920’s, the rest of her life was above the Mason-Dixon line. Just hearing the slight southern accents and seeing some of the menu choices, reminded her of that challenging period from her own life. She was not comfortable away from her cultural “home” in Pennsylvania and did not feel respected as a college educated woman with 89 years of experience. She also knew she would not be with us in Kentucky forever, so it wasn’t worth putting in the effort to correct the staff and she lived with the feeling of not belonging only because she would be returning to her home where she did belong. She knew it was time to move out of her walk-up apartment and into a retirement community and she was able to make that choice by finding a place where she could belong.
When I think about my future self and imagine the possibility of someday choosing to live in some kind of community, I want to be able to make that decision and not leave that to members of my family. I want to be able to move into community so that they know me at the hair salon while I can tell them what hairstyles are for me. I would hope that the staff members would come to know my likes and dislikes while I can make those choices—don’t take me to bingo or turn on the TV to unending game shows! I want to be known as the person I am with likes and dislikes, preferences and my own quirks. I would want to be able to engage in creative endeavors—things that I already know how to do and new things to try. Being known and seen and heard is a part of belonging and may influence making that decision before there is a health crisis. Or, if there is a crisis, to be able to share with my loved ones what I need to feel a sense of belonging.
What are markers in the larger culture that support your ability to feel that you belong? Are there past traumas or periods of time that were challenging for you that prompt you from returning into similar settings? What are the central values that you hold and how much do these need to align with the values of the community around you? With whom do you choose to live in community with, supporting and contributing to the larger work while also being able to ask for the help and assistance you need?
May you find the places and people with whom you can make connections of belonging.