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Community can be a geographic place, like a neighborhood, or group of people working toward a specific purpose or around specific interests. Community can also be seen as a network of people woven through our daily lives. Think of this network as concentric circles with the depth of relationships ranging from those who are emotionally close and intimate out to acquaintances we encounter along the was. No matter the emotional connections, I want to highlight a couple of things that help define our community of support: proximity and purpose.
The People We Meet Each Day: Proximity
My mother taught kindergarten early in her career. Sesame Street became a significant cultural touchstone for our family. Even though I was older than its original target audience, sometimes a Sesame Street song comes to mind. Community prompts one such ear worm.
Bob was the one originally singing “People in Your Neighborhood” with a parade of puppets as they walked down the street. Each verse introduced someone different—a grocer, librarian, teacher, baker, or mail carrier—answering the question, Who are the people in your neighborhood? The chorus returns to the same answer: “the people that you meet each day.” There is an element of being in proximity to others that is important, even when we don’t know much else about each other.
Some of those we meet each day are mere acquaintances. We recognize each other even if we don’t know each other’s name. I think of the grocery store employee who watches over the self-checkout lanes and says “hello” when he comes to fix one of my recurring scanning errors. As he smiles in recognition I hope he is not thinking, “here she comes again!” The postal carrier, seasonal “scooper” at the ice cream shop, the kid repeatedly racing down the block on a scooter: these relationships may be casual, but they still matter. Repeated contact helps to connect us and research shows that these are not insignificant elements of community.
Shared Purpose Builds Connection
Some of our community’s concentric circles of support happen without much effort on our part. These are related to not only proximity, but shared purpose. Work can create meaningful ties through regular contact connecting us with our co-workers, even if we are not close friends away from the office. Parenting often introduces us to other parents living through similar schedules and challenges. Faith communities, social and civic groups are also places where relationships grow through a common purpose. When previous patterns for meeting people fade, we have to become more proactive in populating our own communities of support. And trust me, as an introvert, I know that is easier said than done.
We cannot assume these networks will simply maintain themselves. We need to be intentional about defining and participating in the communities that support us. That can be especially hard after a move, after retirement, after children leave home, or whenever the patterns that once connected us begin to change.
Professionals in the Circle
In addition to those we meet on a regular basis, there are those whose professional expertise is key to our well-being. Doctors, dentists, and other health professionals are part of this circle within our community of support. They know the details of our care in ways that friends and family cannot and yet we develop personal connection with them as they get to know us in our own authentic self.
Who Helps With Real Life?
Then there are the people who we trust for practical help. Who do you call when you need a ride to the airport? Who can accompany you to a medical procedure? Who can get you to urgent care after an unexpected kitchen mishap (hypothetically speaking, of course)? These are not abstract questions nor are these needs usually served by the same people. Thinking about these questions helps reveal whether our support network is broad enough for real life.
Joe Coughlin, director of MIT’s AgeLab, has a set of questions for those who are retired: Who will change my light bulbs? How will I get an ice cream cone? Who will I have lunch with? Those questions point to several essential kinds of support: help with home maintenance, transportation, and companionship. In other words, our communities of support need to include those who can help with everyday practical activities.
The Closest Circle
Finally, the closest circle of our community networks that we need to tend are those with whom we are most intimate. These are the people whom we trust the most. They know and love us, warts and all. These may be the people we someday rely on for care and decision-making if we can no longer manage those things ourselves.
It is important to talk now with the people you hope to include in your inner circle of support. A colleague said recently that he realized if something happened to his spouse, there was no one else he felt comfortable calling on for real support. None of us knows what lies ahead, but a little “what if” thinking can help us identify who we need in our network.
The closer circles within our network know our preferences. They know what flavor ice cream we want and how we define a “good day”. They know our short-comings and strengths and what is most important to us. These individuals may be an offspring, a sibling, or best friend. They may include those with whom we have shared a significant portion of our life or be a more recent friend. Regardless, we have to tend to the trust and care that form the bond between us.
Taking Inventory of Your Community
Who are the people in the network that forms your community? They need to include the range of relationships from the people that you meet each day, to those who have known you for many years, even if you only see each other occasionally. They include professionals, friends and family--both of birth and those who you choose to support you. And our community includes the connections with those who we merely recognize along the way.
May you take some time to inventory your community networks. Challenge yourself to strengthen those circles that are thin. Look around and find ways to connect with others who encourage your personal growth, your well-being and who strengthen your community of support.
