“This experience cannot be as significant for people who are in their 20’s as it is for me.” This was the statement of a classmate during a small group conversation in graduate school 37 years ago. She had “returned” to school in her 40’s. I was about 22. I could feel my heart rate increase because she had just made a judgement of value and worth based on age alone and she assumed she was able to to learn and make sense of that education better than I could.
After a few minutes during which I tried to collect my thoughts and calm myself while the conversation continued, I finally addressed her. I needed to let her know that her statement devalued me as she made a whole host of assumptions about the experience of everyone who were younger than herself.
Ageism
This is ageism. When we make assumptions about ourselves and others based solely on age. How we think about age, what we feel and the actions we take affect our own experience of aging and the experience of others. This was not the first nor the last time that I experienced people making assumptions based on how old I looked, particularly in my early adulthood. In fact, it was only magnified because I looked even younger than I was.
In the coming week I will be observing 60 years of life. There won’t be a lot of fanfare- dinner after work with my mom, sister and spouse. Texts from others. Perhaps a card or two. Facebook post greetings. I am aging (as are all of you). And that doesn’t bother me. In fact, my standard refrain at birthday celebrations is, “Be Bolder, Claim Older”, inspired by a campaign of Amy Gorley.
But the turning of this decade provides unique opportunity for reflection about what it means to be older. So here are a few things that I have observed:
My Mortality
I will someday for any number of reasons, stop breathing and die. I have been thinking about aging for a very long time. I am already older than my aunt and grandmother were before their deaths. In just a few years I will surpass my father’s age at the time of his death. I am aware that I have experienced more Thanksgiving holidays in the past than I will in the future. This is not a realization of panic or to summon pity. It is the evolving familiarity of my own mortality. I don’t want to hasten my end. But I do want to keep it in sight to help me focus on what is most important and how I want to spend my time.
When to Retire
It has been surprising to me how many conversations with peers these days revolve around the question of when to retire. It is sobering to realize that it feels like everyone else is closer to that time of leaving their primary careers and entering a life stage when they will have more freedom and choice as to how to spend their time than I do. Perhaps it is related to the fact that I had the opportunity to enter into a new ministry setting when I was 51 and this call connects me to learning and teaching about aging—a passion I have had for a long time. My energy for this work continues to be very life giving. Besides, I am now living the period of life I have studied for a long time, and I need to discover just how much what I was teaching was correct- or not!
My Future Self
It is very difficult to imagine our future selves. Particularly when inside our own minds, we like to assume that we are still the same young adult that others had discounted. This is why I enjoy relationships and learning from those who are aging ahead of me. I have always loved to observe and learn from olders. When I would observe Ruth taking another trip or deciding on her own terms when it was time to move into a life plan community, I would think, “I want to be like Ruth when I am 84.” Or when I would talk with Jack about the Progressive Theology course he was taking from a 25 year old seminarian, I said again, “When I am 94 I hope to be as curious as Jack.” I try to imagine my future self through the life examples of those around me.
And I also find myself consciously trying to be present to those who are younger than I am. I want to learn from their experiences. I want to find ways to support them recognizing that just because I was once their age, it doesn’t mean that I fully understand what they are experiencing at any point in time. Just because I was once 34 doesn’t mean I am an expert on being 34. And I hope that I don’t place a value on anyone’s life based on how old they are or how old I think they are.
Beloved
We are all God’s beloved. We were created to age. We are all worthy of grace and love no matter the number of years we have already lived. So, I approach this next birthday from a place of gratitude for all that life has taught me through those who have walked with me. And I continue to be grateful for all that those younger and older continue to teach me. And I relish the invitation into deeper relationships with my community, our Creator and the world in which we live.
If the last decade is any indication of the surprises, creativity and opportunities available, I can only look forward to these next 10 years and what lies ahead. And I do try to Be Bolder and Claim the gifts of being Older everyday!
October 7 is Ageism Awareness Day. I invite you to consider the age bias messages that we all carry within ourselves and to observe the ageist messages around us in our culture. May we all have the courage to let others know that when their assumptions about the abilities and worth of others is based on age, they are not only discrediting the other person, but they are being prejudiced against their own future self.
P.S. Beth is a faculty member with the NEXT Steps program, a partnership of the Ruth Frost Parker Center for Abundant Aging and Eden Seminary. This is a non-academic course that helps individuals who are considering retirement to imagine their future self and consider the non-financial aspects of that phase of life. The next cohort will be specifically for clergy and it begins in January 2023. Registrations are currently being received.
