Earlier this month I was leading Good Friday service at the small church that I pastor. I wanted the service to feel different than a typical Sunday morning service. I wanted to create an atmosphere that was welcoming, so I dimmed the lights and encouraged people to sit close together toward the front of the church. At first, Good Friday Service began just like I had pictured it in my mind.
Everything changed during the scripture reading. The scripture was Matthew 27:11-54, and as soon as the reader finished saying “The earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead,” my four-year-old son shouted “What?! Zombies?! There are zombies in the Bible?!”
The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to Children Such as These
For one not-so-brief moment, I felt so embarrassed. Not only had my son interrupted the scripture reader, but he had also called out the zombies in the Bible that church people usually try to ignore.
I don’t know what I expected to happen in that moment. Would the congregation think that I was a bad mom--because of course a four-year-old should have no idea what a zombie is. Would they think that I’m a bad pastor because my four-year-old PK (preacher’s kid) loves zombies?
Everyone who had gathered together to observe this intimate solemn service……………began laughing.
The moment of intense self-doubt began to fade. I was reminded by a still small voice--one that sounded like my grandmother--that the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to children such as these……. children whose Holy Week highlight was reading about zombies in the Bible.
The Challenge of Self Doubt
I have been battling intense self-doubt for most of my life. Maybe people experience self-doubt differently. Mine feels like a small internal voice that tells me I’m destined to fail. It lives in the not-so-brief moments when my circumstances don’t match my expectations.
“Of course, you weren’t meant to be a pastor,” that voice would say. “You aren’t good enough. You are such a mess.”
My son, however, seems to have no self-doubt. He lives his life to the fullest in every moment. He never says no to something that will bring him joy. He will climb anything just to jump off it. He will chase our dog across the back yard, then grab the dog’s toy and tempt the dog to chase him. He watches age-appropriate shows about monsters and howls at the moon like a werewolf. He protects his momma from zombies with his dart gun on walks to the playground.
The Kingdom of Heaven and the Pursuit of Joy
As I watch my son play sword fights with other children at the playground on a beautiful April afternoon, I wonder about the correlation between the Kingdom of Heaven and absence of self-doubt. I wonder about the correlation between the absence of self-doubt and the pursuit of joy.
When I contemplate Abundant Aging, I wonder about the worldly expectation of what a grown-up is supposed to act like. The standard worldly grown-up is expected to be proud, confident, a hard worker, and a know-it-all. Sometimes it feels like I am stuck in a contest to find out who is the best worldly grown-up. In order to win, I constantly compare myself to the worldly expectation of what it means to be grown-up. No wonder I am so full of self-doubt.
Jesus continues to challenge our worldly expectation of the standard grown-up with the simple logic of becoming more like children. While the world may say grown-ups should constantly compare ourselves to a worldly standard of the perfect grown-up, Jesus reminds us that the pursuit of joy isn’t just for our littles. We don’t need anything more than an imagination and a big rock to climb to experience the Kingdom of Heaven.
Today, that feels like very Good News.
For Reflection (either individually or with a group)
Read the blog. Read it a second time, maybe reading it aloud or asking someone else to read it aloud so you can hear it with different intonation and emphases. Then spend some time with the questions with words, crayons, clay, fingerpaints, or anything that reminds you that you ARE a beloved child of God and that helps you to reflect more deeply. Invite the questions to join you for a snack and a glass of milk.
- What do you think Jesus would have said to the little boy shouting “There are zombies in the Bible?!”
- What do you think our cultures’ expectations are about what grown-ups are supposed to be?
- Do you think there is any connection between an absence of self-doubt and the pursuit of joy? Why or why not?
- How can your imagination help you to experience God’s Kingdom here on earth?
Download a pdf including the Reflection Questions to share and discuss with friends, family, or members of your faith community small group.
